When Sauron was our Leader, gas prices were much lower.  Some critics of our Party claim that low fuel costs were a result of the Spikey Ball Plague, which caused an economic slowdown throughout Middle Earth.  These elitist wizards would have you believe it wasn’t Sauron’s dedication to the values of loyalty, hard work, and large scale deforestation that kept prices low.  They want you to think that the Party Of Sauron merely capitalized on a temporary oil glut, as well as the longterm infrastructure investments of the previous administration.

Well, so what?  So what if that’s true?  If a worldwide economic slowdown brings down inflation, then what better leader could we have than Sauron?  This great visionary, working with a team of dedicated orcs, is cutting away the dead wood of big government, the tangled roots of bureaucracy, the cluttered foliage of intellectualism.  Pretty much any wood-related metaphors will be met with axes and berserker outrage, until the gloriously decimated cultural wasteland of Mordor is visible to all!  In the ensuing economic seizure, prices are sure to go down.  

But lower prices are just one prong of the Party Of Sauron’s weaponized agenda.  There are plenty of other prongs, as well as serrated edges and random pointy barbs.  Perhaps the prongiest agenda item is security.  Not just physical security, but emotional and mental security as well.  Sauron has it all covered.  

Are you tired of Elven rhetoric, full of long-winded existential questions like, “Will we exist in the future?” and “Is all life on this planet doomed?”  Does coalition politics seem cumbersome and exhausting, with every interest group vying for the microphone?  Are you tired of having to “listen” and “understand” other people’s point of view?  Well, Sauron will put an end to all that nonsense!  Under the watchful Eye of Sauron there’s no room for doubt, no troubling moral decisions.  Just do your job, eat your gobbets of meat, and all will be well.  Pledge your fealty today, it’s the smart choice!